Emotional Affairs

As I hear more and more about emotional affairs, I'm more and more bothered by how they're defined and how we traditionally try to avoid them. Emotional affairs lean heavily on the idea that your romantic partner should be the primary person you communicate with and the only person of your sexually preferred gender* with whom you have intimate conversations. Controlling your pathways of communication is seen as a way of displaying your dedication to your partner.

All of this just makes me mad.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Rockin, your open relationship complicates your views on traditional romantic pairings." And to that I say, You're damn right it does!

But let's set aside my dislike for monogamy and traditional romantic pairings for now, okay? I was once monogamous. I remember a lot about it! I intend to make my argument here without arguing for open relationships or disparaging monogamy.

The reason I began thinking about emotional affairs again in these past few days is because I heard a segment on a morning radio show about them. The hosts (one guy, one gal, both seemingly straight) insisted on a few different concepts that I found repulsive and detrimental to the future of any relationship, regardless of structure.

These hosts said it's okay to have deep conversations with other people besides your partner, as long as you're not "having them with the opposite sex." First, let's pause to make some kind of mental adjustment to that heteronormative, binary-normative statement. Let's pretend they're being inclusive and talking about attraction without limiting it to specific bodies or gender or a binary. Now then, what the fuck is the difference between having a conversation with someone where there might be reciprocal attraction and someone where there is not likely to be reciprocal attraction? Not much, if everyone's being mature about things. Relationships involve meeting each other's needs. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to meeting a partner's needs. If you view your partner as not having weaknesses, as being able to meet all of your needs, you will probably be sorely disappointed. People can be excellent at many things, but it is likely that someone will not be able to give you what you need or want all of the time.

And this is why we have friends. Friendships can last forever. Nobody's going to challenge me on that, are you?

Friends know us. Friends know about our relationships and our partners (both current and past), too, often because friendships last longer than many romantic/sexual relationships. Friendships don't end when relationships begin,** and there's no reason the simple existence of a new relationship should cause them to end. Unless, of course, there's suspicion from the new relationship partner. And that brings me to my next point:

People need to be able to trust their partners.

As I listened to the radio show hosts agree that people in relationships can't have friends of the opposite sex, it was obvious that they were normalizing trust issues that sometimes occur in relationships. According to them, instead of encouraging partners to talk to each other and determine why suspicion or distrust exists, it's better to avoid placing yourself in the vulnerable position of physical and/or conversational proximity to someone who might be attracted to you (or someone for whom you might feel attraction).

This is silly. And troublesome for lots of reasons. The first one, which I've already covered above, is that friendships are worthwhile endeavors.

Here are a couple more reasons:
1. A lack of trust between partners is destructive to the relationship.
2. Avoiding an issue instead of dealing with it can affect not only your current relationship but concurrent interactions, future relationships, and your general approach to life.

It's at this point where I can feel my open relationship experiences creeping in and affecting what I'm going to say next. I thought I'd state that outright just so you're aware that I'm aware of it.

In any two-person relationship, both people will almost certainly feel attracted to other people. Both people will almost certainly be found attractive by other people as well. Denying and/or avoiding this fact is not healthy, and that denial and avoidance are often at the heart of why, traditionally, it's viewed as problematic for someone in a relationship to have an intimate friendship with someone they might find attractive (or who might find them attractive).

So far I've tried to establish that friendships are beneficial, trusting your partner is necessary, and that relationship status does not control attraction. Before concluding, I'd like to return to one of my first statements about communication and intimacy: "Controlling your pathways of communication is seen as a way of displaying your dedication to your partner."

I don't intend that statement to be problematic or negative. I think part of the reason behind establishing and existing in a relationship with someone is that you find them special, that you want to communicate with them at least as much as your current friends or other close people in your life. Control is not inherently a bad thing. To me, having a relationship is partly about having intimate conversations and experiences with your partner. While we don't usually sign a contract or discuss interaction terms at the beginning of a relationship, it's usually implied that you intend to share (and possibly intentionally create) some special moments with your partner.

Now, if you're meeting your partner's needs, and they're meeting yours, what is the problem with also having deep conversations and/or special moments (within the terms of your relationship) with your friends? If you aren't neglecting your partner, aren't your moments with friends just as healthy and valid and important to your well-being as those spent with your partner?

If someone feels like their partner is having an emotional affair, I would hope it's because the partner is not meeting their needs and not simply because their partner is having fun (again, fun within the terms of your relationship) with another person.

I will continue to push back against the ideas of limiting friendships while in relationships (specifically, basing those limitations on gender and/or other attraction-relevant qualities), of viewing any intimacy outside a (primary) relationship as problematic, and of propping up the status quo of avoiding problems (specifically, trust issues and the realities of attraction) instead of dealing with them head on. I hope you will push with me.

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*This is mono-normative / erasing of bisexual and queer sexualities.
** And by that I mean they don't end due to some rule or predefined consequence. Sometimes friendships end when relationships begin due to a person ignoring their friend(s) and focusing on their new relationship.

Why I'm Pretty Much Fine with Girl Crushes and Man Crushes

I dislike the pushback against the terms "girl crush" and "man crush."* Two reasons motivate my feelings.

The first reason is that not all crushes are the same, and it's okay if we have language that denotes the difference between a sexual crush and a platonic one. The platonic crush is not any better (or worse) than the sexual one; it's neither less serious nor less risky. If you say that people are distancing themselves from seeming queer when they use language like "girl crush" or "man crush," are you sure that the crush is a sexual one? Are sexual crushes more important than platonic crushes?

The second reason is that it isn't kind or respectful to assume someone's sexual orientation. If you know someone identifies as straight, and that person uses the term "girl crush" or "man crush," I can't get on board with the idea that they are automatically distancing themselves from queer desire (see the previous point; not all crushes are sexual, therefore not all same/similar-gender crushes are queer). I also can't get on board with criticizing someone for expressing possible same/similar-gender attraction because GUESS WHAT, a lot of queer folks weren't always out and open as queer. A lot of us (myself included!) used to identify as straight. Sometimes it's nice to try out language involving same/similar-gender crushes before actually coming out. If you criticize people for even dipping their toes in, why would they want to dive in headfirst in your presence? I've read plenty of criticism of people who say everyone should just come out, and I agree with that criticism. Individuals need to decide on their own whether they'd like to come out all, and when and how that might happen. Pressure to just express desire since so many people do it is likely unhelpful.

If homophobia and/or biphobia is present in someone's language, by all means call it out and help educate the person. I don't think "girl crush" and "man crush" are inherently homophobic/biphobic, though, and I disagree with blanket criticism of these terms themselves (and the people who use them).

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*Let it not be assumed that I have zero criticisms of the terms. One thing I feel is problematic about those terms are that they enforce the gender binary. I would prefer if we used gender-neutral terms to denote platonic crushes and sexual crushes.

Top in Training

A friend of ours is a total top when it comes to kink and kinky sex. She's actually pretty toppy just in everyday life, too. One evening as I was pondering my own topping skills, I asked my boy,

"Hey, do you think Jen would give me top lessons?"

"Probably," he said.

"Yeah? I think that'd be awesome if she would."

"I've thought about asking her the same thing."

"Really? Who do you want to top?" I asked, my eyebrows perking up.

But my boy's eyes wander around the room as he got sheepish and said,

"Oh, I don't know, whoever wants me to, I guess..."

I cracked up. "Spoken like a top!" I said, grabbing him around his waist.

Laughing with me, he exclaimed, "I need lessons! I need lessons!"

Fucking a Possible Sex Addict

Earlier this year I had sex with this guy named Ivan. Maybe you recall my post about our tryst. Even though he and I haven't talked in many months, I'd like to reflect on a few things I mentioned in that previous post about my experience with him. But first, you should probably know a few more things about Ivan.

First, he has a pretty damn high sex drive. Second, he doesn't like to masturbate. Third, he has an addictive personality.

Any one of those things on its own might not be problematic, but, in his case, possessing all three characteristics led to a potentially dangerous behavioral pattern. Ivan said when he wanted to get off, he'd find someone to have sex with. He didn't want to masturbate; he found the process messy and not as much fun as sex. And being the attractive, confident young lad that he is, he didn't have a hard time finding ladies that wanted to jump on his pole.

During our conversations, Ivan told me he thought he might be addicted to sex. He said his sex drive was starting to get in the way of his work, which seemed like a red flag that signals a real problem. He'd recently seen the movie Shame about a sex addict, and said he felt like he could relate to the main character. All of this felt pretty foreign to me, because although I'd known people who had addictions, I hadn't known anyone who was addicted to sex.

I don't want to fall into the easy trap of classifying any of Ivan's seemingly odd behaviors as something sex addicts do, because that's not accurate or helpful. People are different, addictions are different, and the way we perceive each other will always vary from person to person.

With that said, I feel like I can comment on my experience with him more accurately now, since I've had a few new sex partners since then.

I mentioned in that previous post about Ivan that while he was on top of me, he fucked me pretty fast near the end and "got a little distant" as he came. I've witnessed a good many orgasms since then, and his were definitely the most distant. Everyone I've seen come has some sort of ecstasy moment, but with Ivan there was a noticeable shift in demeanor as he approached orgasm and while he came. He sped up his thrusts and looked at the wall or window behind us, something far beyond me. Ivan was in an open relationship, so I figured, hey, maybe he's thinking about his girlfriend (she's super hot) or someone else. No big deal. But the moment still felt a little off to me. And I was surprised at his contrasting post-sex behavior. The sex felt great, but it didn't feel that intimate, and then glomp, he initiated all this cuddling and snuggling. He seemed detached in at least one other orgasm he had that night, too. His demeanor during those parts of the evening contrasted the rest of his engaging personality.

We didn't talk much about the sex afterward or later on, so I don't have any post-sex commentary from him. He seemed to have a good time with me, and soon found other partners to fuck (which was part of why I didn't see him again...too much risk). I was glad Ivan felt comfortable enough talking with me about his possible sex addiction beforehand, and I hope he's doing well these days, wherever he is.

Where can I find a girl like her?

Mmhmm, she is a saucy little minx.