On Cynthia Nixon, choosing your sexuality, and not using the word "bisexual"

We all have the right to define ourselves as we choose

Cynthia Nixon's sexual orientation and identity is for her, and only her, to know and proclaim if she chooses. I don't respect the opinions of people who are assigning a sexual orientation to Nixon or anyone else.

Choosing your sexuality

Cynthia Nixon says that for her homosexuality is a choice. She is not ceding any point to any political group by saying that. She is talking about her sexuality. Personally I think there is some weird language from both the interviewer and from Nixon herself. I encourage you to read the one linked above and the one linked below and think about the use of language concerning sexual orientation and relationship status (and partner selection). I feel there is some conflation going on, especially by the interviewer in the follow-up interview (linked below), where he says "Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship?" I don't like labeling relationships as "heterosexual" or "lesbian" or anything else that relates to sexuality. A relationship is simply a relationship, not an illustration of anyone's sexuality. A person's relationship(s) do not define their sexual orientation, otherwise single people would have no sexual orientation, would they?

"Bisexual" isn't a bad word

I don't care how Cynthia Nixon identifies, but I don't like when people avoid using the word "bisexual," if (and that's a big if) the word is an accurate one to use, and justify that choice by saying "because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals." When I read that, I thought, Well, it must be nice to just be able to step outside that group people like to dump on and identify as something else. But I think my reaction is lined with assumptions; it's not a clear-headed reaction.

I honestly don't know whether I'm more upset that Cynthia Nixon said those things or that those things she said rang true.

Thoughts? Reactions?

Aidan: Good on paper

Oh, Aidan. I wanted things to work. And by that I mean, I wanted to get wet for you. I wanted that bright smile of yours to turn me on. I wanted to talk about kink stuff in lowered voices in a coffee shop. I wanted to slide my hand over to yours just so you'd know, Hey, I'd like to bang you at some point.

It all sounded so good on paper. Your profile reads well. You've got your shit together. You don't come off as needy, controlling, suspicious, apathetic, or even pessimistic. You're confident. You're friendly. You're comfortable with who you are as a person. It all looked good in pictures and in person. You have a great smile, good hair, and a pretty sweet body.

Shouldn't my panties be soaked clear through by now? Well, they aren't.

See, OkCupid thought we'd make a great match. Our percentage numbers are totally in the desirable range. I liked emailing and IM'ing with you. I felt a connection. I felt like you were someone I'd like to bang, quite possibly on a long-term periodic basis, and that feeling doesn't happen very often.

Part of it was a scheduling issue, I know. When I first meet someone and get all those good infatuation hormones flowing, I really don't want to talk for too long, maybe three weeks or so at most. I wanted to see you! I wanted to flirt and touch and feel that heat in person that I felt online. Our schedules didn't work. For months. That first meeting, perhaps four months after we first started talking, was fun.

"Fun" is almost a bad word when it comes to dates. I want dates to be more heart-poundy and nervewracking than fun, honestly. I know how to have fun and how to let things go smoothly. But peace doesn't usually turn me on. I like feeling that rush of uncertainty, of breaking through those cultural norms and just talking about real things, touching, playing some harmless mind games.

Plus, you were more feminine than I expected. I like feminine-looking guys, but I don't usually like feminine-acting guys. You look masculine, for sure, but there was too much of a feminine personality going on for my tastes.

You also sort of looked like one of my friends. And of all of my friends, he's one of the last ones I'd ever fuck. So that didn't help at all.

Our second meeting was kind of impulsive, and the timing was probably not a good decision on my part considering the shitty week I'd been having. But I'd been actively thinking of you, thinking about getting close to you, thinking about kissing you. I'd thought about watching you have sex with someone else, and how hot that would be. I thought that might be something we could explore together.

But there were other things. You have these ways of speaking and these mannerisms that just...ugh...they turn me off. You turn me off. You're too comfortable, or something. And you talk too much about yourself. I say this as a self-identifying narcissistic person.

Toward the end of that second date, I could feel time dragging. I thought maybe if we touched, things would be better, but I couldn't wholeheartedly initiate that, so I remained passive but open. I leveled with you at the end of the date, gave you a genuinely-friendly-but-not-at-all-passionate hug, and went on my way.

We had great match percentages.
We had overlapping kink desires.
We were on the same page about open relationships.
You were physically attractive.
You were intellectual and engaging.
You were fucking awesome at communicating.
You were understanding, flirty, kind, and respectful.

And those things just weren't enough. Aidan, we're good on paper, but not in person. I don't know if we'll keep in touch as friends, but I wish you the best.

OkCupid Fail: The Guy who Mirrored Me Too Much

Reflection, 350 Euston Road,
London CC BY 2.0

You can earn a gold star by showing you've read my OkCupid profile, but be sure to bring some original material to the conversation.

One fine way to start off an interaction with someone on OkCupid is to ask them about something in their profile. If no questions come to mind, but you have something to say, you might consider using words or phrases from their profile. It's a solid way to show that you've read at least part of it, and I've heard that personality mirroring is a way that humans bond.

This technique is a decent starter, but it should not be your only technique, and it should definitely be dropped (or at least put on hold) after the first interaction. You've established yourself as a competent, thoughtful person. If you come back in the second and third interactions with no new material, using only the phrases and words they use in their profile, you're not that interesting.

It shouldn't be hard to imagine how The Guy who Mirrored Me Too Much earned his long, awkward name. This guy liked what I had to say, and he liked it a little too much. I think he sent me two messages and IM'ed me, and in all three instances, he used the same line from my profile in some way. The first time was cute, the second time seemed lazy, and the third time just turned me off to him completely.

I like myself, but I don't want to date myself. Talk to me like you have something original to say.

If you'd actually like to meet someone in person, consider making a few mental bookmarks about the person's profile and your initial interactions. These things could be clever to bring up on a first date (or a second or third one, if you get that far). If you bring up those little details, you show that you remember things about them and about the two of you met. Those efforts will help establish a connection and will probably help get you laid, if that's what you're looking for. Just remember that once you've mentioned some line/phrase in person, it's best to act like you're playing catch. Let the other person throw a line back your way before using it again.

Good luck!

Ride that infatuation pony as long as you can

Stunt Rider CC BY 2.0

When you first meet someone and feel that tingle of attraction and connection, you're running on borrowed time. Those moments are precious and fleeting and deserve your utmost attention. You're only hurting yourself if you downplay your attributes during this stage.

Face it, the honeymoon phase of any relationship is pretty damn short these days. With numerous communication pathways and oodles of information available online, there's a lot of ways that Mr. Right Now can turn into Mr. Right Now I'm a Douche. While you can't just hide all the idiotic things you've done that are forever stored on those website servers, you can make a hearty effort not to play the Fail By Humility card. It's easy. Just go along with whatever they say about you as long as it's not actually a lie.

Why? Because you know, soon enough, that infatuation magic will run out and you'll be back in the real world with whatever impression you've left on them.

Think about that infatuation stage. It's beautiful, really, equal parts innocent and guilty. It's innocent because you're thinking about all the ways this person is just perfect and would complement you and your life. And it's guilty because, well, if you meet them online, you're looking at jpegs and wanting to bone someone you don't really know just because you both liked Foster the People before they hit it big. And you're probably thinking of all the ways this person is just perfect for your kinky fantasies.

Now is not the time to be humble, push away compliments, or diminish your positive aspects. You have all of these endorphins working with you. Capitalize on them! Your date thinks you're amazing? Fucking GO WITH IT. They will not think you are amazing forever. They will learn you are fucked up just like they are, they will learn that you, too, can and will hurt them. You will disappoint them. There's not much you can do about any of that unless you plan to hide all but a few facets of yourself for the whole relationship.

But what you can do is harness the infatuation and let it be as huge and powerful as it can be. Make the most of it!

You gotta talk about it sometime

Oh, it's not much fun, no. Talking "about the relationship" isn't usually sexy. It can be tedious and is probably best done in person, if possible. Then at least you get to look at each other, which is nice, and there's a lower risk of miscommunication.

You can avoid it if you want. You can avoid talking about how you'd like things to go, what would make you comfortable and happy, but you're not doing anyone or the relationship any favors. It'll happen sometime. Something will come up that will make you go, "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?" And that'll tip you off. It won't guarantee you'll have a good conversation, but it'll sting a little and you'll at least remember it next time it happens.

Oh, it'll probably happen again. Maybe. I'm just speaking from experience. I fuck up and avoid having those unsexy conversations with people about what I would and would not like to hear about. I want to seem cool. I want to seem like anything goes and anything is fine and I can just deal with whatever comes my way. Well, the last part is true. I can deal with whatever comes my way, but it's so much easier to have that shit sorted out beforehand.

I figure the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to communicate what you need, express how you feel in a genuine/positive manner (i.e. not in a passive-aggressive, guilt-trippy manner), and agree on whatever terms seem reasonable. Ask for what you want, ask for clarification, and try your best to be on the same page. Leave the door open so it's okay to come back to the discussion later.

Actually, that's probably applicable to life in general, not just open relationships.