Ivan: The Triumphant Return

I wrote about Ivan back in January, but I called him I'll Be There in January Guy back then.

Ivan and I first chatted back in November, during a time when I'd swung back into feeling really enthusiastic about talking to new people (that link is tweet about it). For reference, the other three people referred to in that tweet were: Brennan, The Guy Who Mirrored Me Too Much, and a dominant guy who seemed kinda cool but really wanted to send me pictures his dripping cock.

We talked that one time online, and then I didn't hear from him again. When I saw that his profile was disabled, I was a sad panda. Life went on. I had some fun, talked with other new people, and didn't really look back.

One day while I was cleaning my OkCupid inbox, I noticed that Ivan's logo had reappeared on the messages we'd exchanged (when profiles are disabled, you see a grey heart). I blinked a couple of times and then smiled like a fool. I was probably a little too giddy about seeing his profile alive again, but whatever, it's not like he knows.

Like a good girl I waited a few days so my emotions could return to normal levels before contacting him. I sent him a message saying hi and referencing our conversation. I played it cool and kept the message brief. It worked way better than I expected. He wrote back about six hours later, said we should hang out, sent me his phone number, and told me to text him. Talk about a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. Yum.

After some texting, a few IM conversations, and some more texting, we agreed to meet up for drinks. And that is a tale for next time, lovely readers.

A conversation involving James Van Der Beek's penis

This is (probably) the only post I will ever write about James Van Der Beek's penis. RELISH IT.

The following is an excerpt of an IM conversation. My friend had just sent me a link to this Ke$ha music video* and I was reacting in disgust, refusing to watch it because I really dislike Ke$ha:

Me: nooooo

Him: hahahahahaha

Me: Ke$ha is awful. I refuse to watch/listen to that

Him: But this video is so funny
unicorns
rainbows

Me: She is like a parasite

Him: and James Van Der Beek

Me: gets in my head and I have to...lol James Van Der Beek???
I was just thinking about him today!

Him: See! It's a sign! Or if you dont believe in signs, its a unique coincidence that bears seeing through to the end.

Me: Is his penis in the video? Because I was just thinking about his dick.

Him: ...
and now so am I

Me: LOL I was! There is a reasonable story behind this
I am not just bullshitting you :P

Him: *sits and waits attentively*

Me: Alright, I used to watch/love the show Felicity
and Simon Rex was on for a few episodes.
So I went looking him up on wikipedia/youtube
and found out that before any tv acting...he did some solo porn flicks
and I was like HOT. b/c damn I'd like to see simon rex jerk it. [that's a link to a porn clip of Simon Rex, just fyi]
So...I was thinking how cool it was that he could do porn and tv stuff and I was like "I bet most of the other WB 'teen show' stars couldn't have done porn. I mean, James Van Der Beek jerking it [on camera]? I don't see that happening."
 ^^^perfectly reasonable^^^^

Him: hahahahaha
it is
:P

Me: :D

Him: *looks up simon rex*

Me: The only reason I was looking up Simon Rex today is b/c he's in LMFAO's video for "Sexy and I know it", which was referenced in today's xkcd. So blame Randall Munroe for all of this.

Him: I shall.
Damn, he's hot in what I assume are his porn shots.

_______________
*ALRIGHT ALRIGHT. At the request of my friend, I watched the last half of it and immediately felt stupider. But the rainbow guns were cool. I'll give ya that. If you want to see the fight scene, the shit-talking starts around 2:40.

Changes: New versions of me

Two conversations led to this post. The first was between Brennan and me, sitting in a bar talking about relationships and stuff. I told him I didn't want to be married, didn't support the institution, and he said something like, "That's something I expected to hear from you." I raised an eyebrow but then remembered hadn't known me when I was "saving myself." The second conversation was between me and my boy, and we covered a lot of things, and my boy summed up one leg of our talk with: "You've changed a whole lot since I met you."

Some things about me that have changed:
I used to be fiercely monogamous. I think it had something to do with my fierce loyalty (which I still have) and my experiences of being blindsided by breakups.

I used to think my cunt was kind of icky. This notion was encouraged by my second boyfriend, and completely obliterated by my third boyfriend. This new (healthy) mindset was a lovely change, and I'm forever grateful to him for helping me see that my bits are fucking awesome.

I didn't masturbate until I was almost a legal adult. I wasn't against the practice; I just didn't know much about it and I thought girls "didn't do that." Oddly, the second boyfriend who thought my girl bits were yucky was the one encouraging me to take some time to myself so I could learn to get off.

I used to be afraid of ejaculating cocks. No joke. Erect cocks by themselves were okay, although I was still wary of them, but the ejaculating part, oh god, I did not want to be near that at all. I really didn't get over this one until I got together with my boy.

I used to be completely against the idea of anal sex or anal play of any kind. That third boyfriend helped me out with that one, too. We didn't have the butt sex, but there was some anal play and we often alluded to what we might do once we got married.

Oh yeah, I used to be a "wait until marriage" girl. I was saving a lot of things for marriage, both sexual and nonsexual. Those ideas are moot now (see the next point).

I used to believe in marriage and I wanted to be a part of the institution. No more.

Some things that haven't changed:
I've always been a bit of an exhibitionist
I've had some interest in power play for as long as I can remember, even slightly edgier kinks like humiliation and violent/forced fantasies
I've been aroused by people of many genders
I've always been aroused by breasts
I've always loved cursing and "dirty talk" when it came to foreplay and sex

Looking backward, looking forward
It's a little weird to think about how I've changed, but it shouldn't be. As I continue to explore what I want from life, interact with people who challenge me, and question my convictions, I'd expect (I'd hope) to continue changing and growing. With these changes, I feel happier. And upon reflection, I see a more accurate version of myself.

What things have changed for you? What things have stayed the same?

On Cynthia Nixon, choosing your sexuality, and not using the word "bisexual"

We all have the right to define ourselves as we choose

Cynthia Nixon's sexual orientation and identity is for her, and only her, to know and proclaim if she chooses. I don't respect the opinions of people who are assigning a sexual orientation to Nixon or anyone else.

Choosing your sexuality

Cynthia Nixon says that for her homosexuality is a choice. She is not ceding any point to any political group by saying that. She is talking about her sexuality. Personally I think there is some weird language from both the interviewer and from Nixon herself. I encourage you to read the one linked above and the one linked below and think about the use of language concerning sexual orientation and relationship status (and partner selection). I feel there is some conflation going on, especially by the interviewer in the follow-up interview (linked below), where he says "Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship?" I don't like labeling relationships as "heterosexual" or "lesbian" or anything else that relates to sexuality. A relationship is simply a relationship, not an illustration of anyone's sexuality. A person's relationship(s) do not define their sexual orientation, otherwise single people would have no sexual orientation, would they?

"Bisexual" isn't a bad word

I don't care how Cynthia Nixon identifies, but I don't like when people avoid using the word "bisexual," if (and that's a big if) the word is an accurate one to use, and justify that choice by saying "because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals." When I read that, I thought, Well, it must be nice to just be able to step outside that group people like to dump on and identify as something else. But I think my reaction is lined with assumptions; it's not a clear-headed reaction.

I honestly don't know whether I'm more upset that Cynthia Nixon said those things or that those things she said rang true.

Thoughts? Reactions?

Aidan: Good on paper

Oh, Aidan. I wanted things to work. And by that I mean, I wanted to get wet for you. I wanted that bright smile of yours to turn me on. I wanted to talk about kink stuff in lowered voices in a coffee shop. I wanted to slide my hand over to yours just so you'd know, Hey, I'd like to bang you at some point.

It all sounded so good on paper. Your profile reads well. You've got your shit together. You don't come off as needy, controlling, suspicious, apathetic, or even pessimistic. You're confident. You're friendly. You're comfortable with who you are as a person. It all looked good in pictures and in person. You have a great smile, good hair, and a pretty sweet body.

Shouldn't my panties be soaked clear through by now? Well, they aren't.

See, OkCupid thought we'd make a great match. Our percentage numbers are totally in the desirable range. I liked emailing and IM'ing with you. I felt a connection. I felt like you were someone I'd like to bang, quite possibly on a long-term periodic basis, and that feeling doesn't happen very often.

Part of it was a scheduling issue, I know. When I first meet someone and get all those good infatuation hormones flowing, I really don't want to talk for too long, maybe three weeks or so at most. I wanted to see you! I wanted to flirt and touch and feel that heat in person that I felt online. Our schedules didn't work. For months. That first meeting, perhaps four months after we first started talking, was fun.

"Fun" is almost a bad word when it comes to dates. I want dates to be more heart-poundy and nervewracking than fun, honestly. I know how to have fun and how to let things go smoothly. But peace doesn't usually turn me on. I like feeling that rush of uncertainty, of breaking through those cultural norms and just talking about real things, touching, playing some harmless mind games.

Plus, you were more feminine than I expected. I like feminine-looking guys, but I don't usually like feminine-acting guys. You look masculine, for sure, but there was too much of a feminine personality going on for my tastes.

You also sort of looked like one of my friends. And of all of my friends, he's one of the last ones I'd ever fuck. So that didn't help at all.

Our second meeting was kind of impulsive, and the timing was probably not a good decision on my part considering the shitty week I'd been having. But I'd been actively thinking of you, thinking about getting close to you, thinking about kissing you. I'd thought about watching you have sex with someone else, and how hot that would be. I thought that might be something we could explore together.

But there were other things. You have these ways of speaking and these mannerisms that just...ugh...they turn me off. You turn me off. You're too comfortable, or something. And you talk too much about yourself. I say this as a self-identifying narcissistic person.

Toward the end of that second date, I could feel time dragging. I thought maybe if we touched, things would be better, but I couldn't wholeheartedly initiate that, so I remained passive but open. I leveled with you at the end of the date, gave you a genuinely-friendly-but-not-at-all-passionate hug, and went on my way.

We had great match percentages.
We had overlapping kink desires.
We were on the same page about open relationships.
You were physically attractive.
You were intellectual and engaging.
You were fucking awesome at communicating.
You were understanding, flirty, kind, and respectful.

And those things just weren't enough. Aidan, we're good on paper, but not in person. I don't know if we'll keep in touch as friends, but I wish you the best.